A serious question 🤔 Then a proposal

First check in with yourself where are you on these hearts?

Serious question: How are you? How do you, feel? Have you taken your meds and had water? Possibly had food? Bonus points for showers or smol chores! Life’s day to day is an accomplishment most of the time. If you get over that done that was a decent day. The spoon theory is still something I’m using to remind myself that each day is different and that’s OK.

I can relax and work throughout the day as my body allows. Remember you are entitled to this same consideration. Breaks at work offical or snuck in minutes of peace in chaos is a thing for everyone. Do the best you can everyday and try not to over work your body. It’s the tool with which we are able to continue work so we should care for it more than most of us probably do.

I don’t understand why it’s a hard concept to treat others how you would like to be treated. You can’t fix ignorance the individual themselves has to choose and seek out knowledge to evolve. Now you may be saying but teach others to avoid the blunders you made in life! I can talk til I’m blue in the face with advice and studies showing my findings true but a better teacher is life experienced first hand mistakes and all.

Wives farm Summer Year 1

Ok rant fooking over! I have just been having more intrusive thoughts than normal about feeling lazy, like nothing I’m doing matters, and that my hopefully satirical realistic mental health advocating is pointless. I am combating those feelings by confronting them and slowly realizing my own mind is just being ruthless.

One thing that has been bringing me joy recently is playing Stardew Valley before bed with our wife. We literally lay in bed with our switches, listening to a podcast, and barely talk while we work together to make a shit ton of money on our farm. It’s relaxing, we’re spending time together, and getting dopamine from completing tasks. All in all a good relaxing routine before bed. Soon we will have Pigs for truffles. First pigs name is Snus for sure.

The proposal is I’m gonna stream and hyper fixate on Stardew Valley again and hope everyone is in. Maybe we’ll mix up the rewards and community bundles. Nothing will match the beauty and glory of wives farm but we will try dang it!

Be kind to yourself and eachother.

Blessed be ❤

It’s happening I’m so many feelings. 💞

Taken in November 2021. See the emulsified oil in the right eye?

Surgery is scheduled. Only 20 days til the oil exchange. I won’t know the time of the surgery until December 20th so that kinda sucks but at least I’m scheduled. We asked to be on a wait list if anyone should cancel their surgery with my physician. The lady said it was unlikely but hey I’ll take the chance.

I honestly don’t think it has really hit me that I will hopefully have better vision before Christmas, I celebrate Yule so surgery on a religious holiday? Well if we must I’d rather get it than wait. Downside is I won’t see my physician for my post op appointment. I will see a newer physician who will take time with me and make sure everything is looking good. If I have any issues we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Is that scary? Absolutely, but I can’t dwell on the what ifs. I will just be torturing myself mentally.

I’m going to try to focus on relaxing and keeping myself distracted. I am still gonna stream and work on projects like the new podcast Common_elements, our twitch channel name, to stay busy also. I’m not just disappearing into my SeaWitch cave (aka my office or bedroom). I will be posting more tiktoks, blog posts, and pictures to bring you all along on the journey to surgery and what happens after. Time will be taken off after surgery probably 2 weeks so I can recover at my pace and adjust to whatever vision I have afterwards.

In other news my sweet dear Mom is having cataract surgery herself tomorrow so please keep her in your thoughts. I appreciate it very much. I am so thankful for B she really stayed on top of this after we all decided it was best to go ahead with surgery. Joe and I are very lucky to have her. Also the lady doing the scheduling just hot back from vacation and is desperately trying to catch up on call backs.

My feelings right now are kinda numb but my mind is racing already. I figure tomorrow it all will set in as real and I’ll worry about surgery then. Not really the best situation but I will deal. Maybe we will finally start SMT 5 in discord.

Good night Coven Cats blessed be ❤

Mental Health Dip, but Animal Crossing HHP & 2.0 Update are happy AF

Tybalt should’ve studied harder

It is currently 4:52am on Saturday November 6th as I write this. Insomnia has me in its grasp and my anxiety and PTSD are being very unkind to me. So bad I got outta bed showered, got dressed, and came out to the den to watch YouTube videos. My mental illnesses may be getting me down right now but what isn’t is Animal Crossing and the free update and DLC.

So as to why my mental health is dipping it’s just getting harder to see as time goes  along. Yes, I know it’s going to happen but sometimes I feel closed in, frustrated, angry, and frankly scared by the situation I’m in. The situation also has no permanent solution or resolution so it is just a we have to see how things go over the years and hope for the best. As surgery creeps closer I am happy and sad. I will probably see better after it but it’s also a risk for disaster too but I try hard to not let those intrusive thoughts rule me.

Chief singing in the plaza.

Animal Crossing has kinda been a godsend right now because it’s distracting! The free update with Brewster, farming, boat tours, ordinances, and so many new items! Then HHP is just to damn cute! Lottie I love, otters are husband’s favorite so he automatically loves her. ❤ Designing homes is so relaxing, I’ve been enjoying it a ton! I’ve unlocked the school on both of my islands Falkreath and Coven Cove.

Kinda confusing to remember who is on what island though 🤔. I recently built a vacation home for Vivian on one island then agreed to let her move off my other island, whoops… The home ideas the villagers come up with are great. My favorite so far is a mushrooms 🍄 themed home for a diva alligator and a bamboo nap land for a panda named Chester. The first person camera is a blast! I love watching the villagers surprise as you whistle to get their attention for pictures.

Hopefully I eventually get some sleep. I’m not tired yet, just laying on the couch cuddling cats. Bailes had a fever last night so I’m hoping that is gone at some point today, she has body aches but no other symptoms. If she’s not better by Monday to the doctor she will go, begrudgingly. It’s a weird sensation to be anxious and afraid yet simply enjoying a game at a moment between the two feelings. Maybe that’s why I am always low on spoons, I have emotions and thoughts constantly going on in the background under my current consciousness. I compartmentalize my thoughts without knowing it but it doesn’t stop my brain from doing its own thing in the background. Anyone else feel the same?

Blessed be my Coven Cats.

Bad decisions and dire consequences

My eye with emulsified oil in the anterior chamber.

So Friday night B and I decided to enjoy a couple of neat alcohol drinks she brought at Kroger. They were about 11% alcohol and about 3 servings was in the drink container. I drank mine fairly fast.

I was depressed and just wanted to feel a bit happier or something… I latched onto the liquid courage and just wanted to keep it going. So I drank 2 Queen’s teas, mead with a cider mixed in, in quick succession after I finished my first drink. This was a mistake.

I feel a lot of these often

I proceeded to blackout, as I don’t remember what I am about to account but am relying on what my loving spouses told me. I became a vomit fountain and ruined our sheets. Vomiting I must mention is not good for my eye as the heaving increases eye pressure and is a possible factor that can and will cause redetachment of the retina.

So I made a conscious choice that put my sight in danger because I was depressed and did not know how to deal with the current slump I’ve been in. So they got me to shower and sat on the toilet I then proceeded to dry heave and soil myself from the whole thing. I am so ashamed of myself. I hate that I scared my spouses and they saw me at such a low point.

I then threw myself to the floor and hit my head against the door frame, which a hard knock to the head is also a possible factor in another retinal detachment. My wife then called the emergency line for my retinal specialist and they set me up for an appointment at 9am on Saturday. It was about 3am when she made the call. I slept on the floor until I came back to myself and showered again.

I felt like death warmed over but I deserved it.

Joe drove me to the appointment and I am very lucky to report everything still looks okay in my eye. The physician said that it was unlikely I’d detach with a scleral buckle and oil in my eye but we were right to be concerned. I will schedule a follow up with my specialist in 2 weeks just because he knows me best. Neither of my spouses shamed me or anything just expressed how scared and concerned they were for myself and my sight.

Joe got me water, dramimine, and a sprite before returning home where I and Bailes slept most of the day. I can’t stand that I frightened them so. Bailes cried as she felt helpless as she’s a sympathetic puker. Joe is such a good man in the moment he was mad that I knowingly put myself in a dangerous situation but he just helped as best as he could.

I recognize that this incident is an internal cry for help and we are pursuing a therapist for myself and the possibility of getting my medical Marijuana card for pain and anxiety I experience on a daily basis. I am not a person who usually airs the dirty laundry in public but this is about mental health awareness and I want others to know they are not alone in their fight.

Long term stress finally easing?!? (What do I do?)

Since my phq9 and gad7 score has been below 10.

I stopped working outside my home in early April 2021. My body went into a sort of shock for a month so I floundered as to what to do now that I had time to myself. So that was my May remembering what I liked doing before cooperate America sucked my souls happiness. Also learning my limits with vision and know it’s okay to relax I don’t have to be busy all the time.

June I started to hit a stride, I had a rhythm for my days for the most part. It was tough because of my dad’s birthday but I did well enough. Truth be told though I was real proud of myself for keeping my stream schedule and had a blast doing it. I still haven’t gotten in the kitchen but at least I will make my own food while my partners work hard to keep me and the cats in comfort lol. Getting off my antidepressant has felt good and I’m no where near as anxious as I used to be.

July has been a rollercoaster of emotions but I know why my retinal specialist appointment that just passed. I felt such relief last week after my appointment. Surgery is avoided for a bit longer, fantastic. Then I started to think what’s changed in the time between those appointments. My drops had not changed they had actually been the same. It was about the time I quit working and to now where I have a self run doable schedule and less overall stressors. I can’t deny that I do think stress can cause numerous responses in the body and unconscious mind…

It’s always witchy shit or logic…. ok they blend sometimes.

But to this kind of degree? I’m unsure but I’m overjoyed at the overall changes in myself mentally and physically in the last few months. I’ve lost weight, my inner witch is content, I laugh more, I ask more questions, and looked inward for answers more. Barriers are easier to set and uphold but I still struggle to be social in person. I just have no desire to ‘go out’ . I’d rather spend a night making D&D characters and talking about our favorite TV shows or core beliefs at one of our houses in a fort we built. Yes I’m 35 shut the Fook up.

Example of blanket fort.

I find myself taking time to ask why I feel the way I do and is it honestly worth the energy that’s being drawn from me? If no then what’s the feelings root and is it truly worth worrying about or something I can even control? If I cannot control it stop giving it your energy! Put luck or healing towards it but no constant line of energy. It will drain you. The same can apply people also social exhaustion is absolutely and don’t feel bad about taking time off after whatever social interaction is your limit. The right people will understand.

I guess the main thing I’m saying here is mental health matters absolutely. It is hard to take time for it in a typical life but I urge you to try. Stress can do horrible things to us humans mentally and physically. Be kind to eachother because we never know what another has been through. Live your life how it makes you happiest you don’t owe anyone anything. Live life with the least regrets possible. Your soul will be lighter for it.

Blessed be.

Good Human

This image makes me think of Moth Man.

So about a month has passed since I’ve been adjusting into housewife life. Let me update you on the state of my mind and give some real spicy details at the end (lolz). So I suppose let’s start with things I still suck at. Cooking my own food, I’m still real nervous about the kitchen I’m unsure why really. I will do dishes if their free of food and not sky high but if not, ignored by my brain. Putting dishes away is a gamble to if I find room for where, to me, they go in the cabinets. Usually someone comes home and finds cat vomit or pee that I did not see during the day. Although I always find Alfie’s door pee with my foot….. (good times) I am still scared to go outside because well limited vision and I watch way to many murder porn shows.

Moving on to things I do well and even enjoy, mostly. Generally straightening up the house, dusting, folding laundry, and vacuuming. I get to turn on music sing and dance, carefully, around the house. It’s just me and the cats so fuck it if I look silly. Doing my make-up just to stream or now make tiktoks. Damn I look good sometimes. 💖 Wiping down window ledges, tvs, wood work as long as I don’t have to bend over. Everything goes milky white right now when I bend over for to long, shaving my legs sucks. Playing with the cat and getting them high on cat nip is a great way to spend an hour. Having the windows open and listening to nature, it’s absolutely grounding. 💯 I have more good conversations with my mom than bad now. I still don’t see her enough but I’m so glad I can call her whenever now and just talk for hours. Streaming is so much more enjoyable now to, I’m not crunched for time. I’m glad it’s still not a job.

Churchie and Mama.

Now a couple things I hate. Picking out dinner for the night. Being fearful of making dinner or food in general. Coughing like a bitch and peeing just a little sometimes (lolz). Thinking I have to create all kinds of content daily, although I love it truly. 😀

Okay now the spicy… so I’ve always had a racing mind when I’m not dead tired, nervous, or severely emotionally distressed. Recently I’ve been having anxiety and PTSD symptom flairs near eye appointments that are almost monthly now between my two doctors. I am already on numerous medications to help me with these feelings and most of the times I feel even but some days my mind races and it will not shut up.

Trying to find a way to cope with these feelings and intrusive thoughts 🤔 I asked B if she would Dom me bit more in the bedroom. I love to control every aspect of my life I possibly can and not having control usually makes me loose my mind more but… Behind closed doors though if I trust you enough and you give off that Top energy I like I just might listen to your commands. The sounds of belts, crops, pinwheels, and other delights excite my mind and force me to focus on feeling not thinking. After even a light session I sleep like a baby in your arms but dang do I always want more. This is working for me as a tool to quiet my mind. We’re thinking about a collar to have as a daily reminder for me of these calming sessions.

Morning Ramble 🗯

Wish I was this sleepy at night.

It was 85 degrees yesterday and I’ve been suffering some major brain fog over the last few days. I’m not happy about it as I have been napping more and my head feels like I’m motion sick while awake. Last night 🌙 I just laid in bed as I was to hot to fall asleep… thinking. Never the best idea, in my opinion, when you’re processing a difficult last week and trying to make this week slightly more productive.

I know I’m in a better mental place than I was last week but my body seems to be slow to catch up with my mind. Being kind to myself and taking things slow has never been my forte but as I try to be more honest with my feelings and in touch with myself I know I need to actually listen to my body more. If I’m tired sleep, remember to eat, drink water, take drops and meds… I’m doing better and slowly realizing my trauma is valid as are my feelings and fears.

A few things have been harder to free myself of though. The judgements of others IRL or created by my mind being a large one. When I announced my move into housewife life I felt judged by my peers (HS people mainly, old co-workers, and family) that honestly mean little to nothing to me but I hate the thought of people feeling sorry for me or thinking that I’m lazy because I chose not to work outside my home anymore. I have been through so much that is not viewable on the outside… my mind plagues me daily with intrusive thoughts and sometimes my dreams are terrors. I have issues being able to empathize with others who have medical trauma, anxiety, or depression. I fought these labels for a long time trying to prove I was normal. Adapt and overcome, mind over matter, all that bull shit.

People talk it’s just what they do. I’ve accomplished more than most ever thought I would and I’m happy with the goals I smashed. Now I’m trying to be a positive influence in other people’s lives and I’m loving it. I love the little community I’ve got going. The important people in my life know what’s up and the rest can keep guessing. I guess this is an open letter to people who just watch me and are waiting for me to fail or break down, please remove yourself from my pages and life. I don’t have time for your empty comments, messages, or platitudes.

To my family who see me as the black sheep, the weird one, the freak, or the abomination (personal favorite) obviously we don’t talk for a reason so keep my name and my spouses out of your mouth. I may have made my social media life more visible but it wasn’t for you people. I’m living my best honest true to me life. You only wish you could do the same.

Ok rant over 👑 fixed I’m gonna walk on like the bad bitch I am. 💖

5am thoughts

Lilith is mad at me.

So yesterday and Tuesday were a train wreck for me mentally and physically and I just wanna share so I can try to process it. If you are triggered easily by trauma talk skip this blog.

So on Tuesday B and I went to get our first covid-19 vaccines but leading up to the appointment time (5:40pm) I was so fearful of the immunization somehow hurting or affecting my eye I called Joe crying in an almost panic that I didn’t want to get the shot because I was having extreme fear about it over my eye. He assured me my fears were valid and that I wasn’t being unreasonable but that he didn’t think anything would happen and if it did he’d sue Pfizer (and jokingly said he’d burn the corporate headquarters down). He always knows how to make me smile.

I also didn’t want to tell B I didn’t really know if I could, at this point, go get my shot, so I messaged Leo (more on him later maybe) to let him know… He’s very similar to Joe in being able to help me rationalize my PTSD and anxiety over my vision. He said I didn’t have to and it was my choice and that B probably wouldn’t be mad she just wants me protected as possible and this is part of how we do it.

I then got myself ready to stream on Twitch (give me a follow at WitchCorabell) and attempt to have a good stream of fire emblem three houses. I did have a good stream but my anxiety was in the back of my mind at an eleven. It’s really funny how you can be mentally suffering but continue to do things you ‘have to in order to appear normal or okay.  I am honest with my viewers about my eye health, my PTSD, anxiety, and depressions existence but I still try to push myself to stick to my schedule as it’s very important to me to be accountable. After streaming everyone was home and got ready to go…

I did end up going to get the vaccine (#teampfizer) and I’m fine but I can’t believe I had such a visceral reaction to the event. I think though that I’m beginning to unpack my trauma over my eye. I also had a retinal specialist appointment on Wednesday, another source of anxiety. I forgot my glasses (nervous) and the appointment went OK but terrible in my mind. All I heard was surgery is happening soon but what was said was nothing has really changed just oil emulsification.

I always have an almost manic feeling of relief when I’m allowed to leave the specialist appointment without having to have surgery the next morning or told something drastic has happened. So B and I went for a small lunch afterwards and it was delicious (I’ll put the food pic at the end).

I’m doing better now as it’s Saturday and everyone is home, my mind has slightly calmed down, I have eaten better the last few days, and I’ve word vomited on my mom about all of this. I also reconnected with my bestie Erin this week and really l found out that we suck at left 4 dead 2… (we used to be so damn good)

Great cheese steak and amazing fries.

So I’ve been avoiding writing this one.

Some of my greatest comfort has been my pets.

I don’t work outside my home anymore. Nothing has happened to my sight currently but my mental health is only worsened by working with others. I’m not saying I’ve had bad coworkers or that I myself am a bad worker. I do best when left alone to my tasks in an environment where I feel rules of state and company are followed and my safety both mental and physical are considered as I am disabled.

I once fought that label so hard but now I’d rather have my bills paid and have nothing else but be happier than I was making almost twice as much. Yes I’m educated and I’m still using it but in ways that I value that I get nothing but the good feeling of sharing information that to others is hard to find. I also want to enjoy my sight doing the thing I want to do. Is it selfish? Yes. Do I care? No not really after some long talks with those I hold close.

This is my and my partners lives no one else’s. Our wife wants to work and was miserable at home. We’ve essentially traded places. I’m now the loving, slightly blind house wife and she works two jobs but still finds time to help me with things daily. Our husband has also been a supporter of whatever we can do to try to improve my mental health that isn’t more medications. I am very lucky to be loved by two such amazing people.

So a lot of things are changing and new for us now. I haven’t been off work more than a week at a time barring surgeries in about six years. That may sound like bragging but it’s not. I was miserable most of my cooperation time but I met a lot of good people along the way. So if I’m off in stream, not social, or seem distant I’m not trying to be I just have a lot weighing on my mind. The judgements of others being part of it not matter how much I want it not to.

My mind isn’t letting me sleep well either so I will do my best to make up and keep to some kinda schedule. If you took the time to read this I thank you as a friend but if you were just curious about my plight shame!

Relief

My eye appointment went better than expected but my pressure was a bit high at 20 (normal is 11 – 18) but we have a plan of attack to get it lowered. I dislike how much the dread, anxiety, and racing thoughts leading up to the appointment make me a different person. I’m moody, short tampered, and just bothered by things that I would usually brush off.

Bailes brought up a good point though, if I do go to an appointment and something is wrong my whole life is put on hold and is uncertain if after surgery/recovery I would be able to return to doing the things I enjoy now. So I shouldn’t be so hard on myself when I’m unable to focus on things because my mind is being unkind to me. I am my own harshest critic.

I am feeling a bit better now and I’m excited to stream tonight. I hate that I missed the majority of my streams this week but I would not have been fun to watch lol. I do want to thank everyone who sent me positive energy and well wishes I believe it helped a lot 😊.